UNTIL THE COWS COME HOME

I am humming along these days, things unfolding in beautiful and harmonious ways. I also have this little voice that intrudes, “Are we there yet?”

This past Saturday, I was delighted when I emptied half my clothes closet onto my bed. This spontaneous impulse, formerly stifled, was set free. “Clothes are on the bed; organization’s in the house! Yippee!” I was happy, just BEING, sorting clothes by colors, creating order and space.

In the last phase of organizing, appreciating color coordination, this little voice said, “Yes, but what about Linked In? What about organizing the dresser drawers? What about that call you need to make?”

While it sounded like a dentist drilling inside my mouth, it was not an inner critic but a child’s whine.

I explored deeper. This impulse sabotages my happiness sometimes. She speaks to me of TO DO LISTS. She mistrusts “being in the now”.

I started WORKING early in life, putting out family fires. My poor amygdala! http://drbenkim.com/overcome-chronic-fear-anxiety.html  It’s Horse Sentinel Syndrome, scanning horizons for danger. 

In equine-guided leadership, we teach that horses are herd and prey animals. As a herd they move together, promising greater safety from predators. Often in herd dynamics there is a lead mare who will let the others know when to stay and when to move. 

There is also a horse who stays outside this herd cluster. This sentinel is in the role of scanning the horizons, noting if things are safe. It's the sentinel's job to also notice if a coyote is on a hill. The sentinel then communicates this danger with the lead mare and the other horses so that the herd can move to safety.

On a recent walk, I interviewed my inner child using a Psychosynthesis educational model that helps one have detachment to view various concerns and conflicts. http://www.aliharrison.com/psychosynthesis/Subpersonalities.html Turns out, this aspect of my identity needs my help to STOP working all the time! She’s perpetually on duty. She needs to trust “the moment, this now.” And know that it’s okay to be happy.

As I contact her, cows come into view.

From afar, one cow looks deeply into my eyes. I look back into hers. My heart quiets; my breath slows down. She is showing me what BEING looks like. This cow contentedly is, well, chewing on her cud. I hear her message.

“Do you understand? What I’m doing is as important as you working with animal stewards, or cleaning out your desk. I’m lying down, chewing. I’m fulfilling my destiny.”

I listen. I walk slowly toward her. I feel this inner child soothed and grow quiet. Two cows further out walk over to the fence. I meet them. I don’t need to hand them grass or do anything. I just “be”. Curious, four other cows join us at the fence line. I am reminded of Carolyn Resnick’s blog about SHARING TERRITORY.  http://www.carolynresnickblog.com/good-vibrations-sharing-territory™/ It’s about being present, connected, not doing, Zen-like, "letting come".  http://consultingforpassion.blogspot.com/2014/03/wu-wei.html

In inaction, I’m connected.  Another cow looks earnestly into my eyes. We stand close. I look into her large brown eyes. It’s the first time I’ve seen a cow. A veil drops; karla/soul meets cow/soul. I experience a profound peace. We are standing together in a field of love.

Later, I tell a friend about my Saturday interruption and what the cows just shared with me.

No slouch to inner development, Beth responds: “Karla, I believe all of us, as women, have these eternal lists that keep us from nurturing ourselves. We’re compulsive and keep working, scanning for others’ unmet needs. Our lists don’t let us rest. It’s why we don’t easily take care of what we need. Or take time to just be.”

Well, I’m no longer waiting until the cows come home. This moment, this blog, sharing territory with you and the cows is enough.

Do you have a never-ending list, Reader, or are you content to just be?